July 4, 2007
Ferndale, CA:
When we talk about why we love Kinetics, we talk about the artistry of those crazy crafts rolling down the street. We talk about the engineering that lets them climb over mud, sand, water, and highway. We talk about the athleticism of the people powering the machines through it all. But we almost always forget to mention the danger. Because fun as it is, we must never forget that there is always a real chance that someone could be killed, or at least maimed.
Glorious Groupshot
L-R: Shaye Harty, President Kinetic Universe; Emma the Emchantress, Reigning Rutabaga Queen; Glorious Founder Hobart Brown; and Glorious Challenger Jack Mays July 4, 2007 - Photo by Ellin Beltz
Ferndale's Fourth of July Parade would be my third brush with death in a week. But perhaps I should start at the beginning.
I won't lie: We had been scheming for a while to sneak Glorious Founder Hobart Brown in for a surprise appearance in the Parade, but it turns out we didn't have to. He was Grand Marshall!
Glorious Founder Hobart Brown
July 4, 2007 - Photo by Ellin Beltz
Hobart dressed nattier than ever in a crisp tux and sinister dark shades, heading the parade from a shiny red convertible piloted by none other than the Glorious Challenger himself, Jack Mays! (The Challenger doesn't make a lot of appearances, which is too bad. Hobart may have built that first craft back in 1969, but would we have the crazy thing we have today if Jack hadn't declared himself "not impressed" and challenged Hobart to that first Mothers' Day Race? It was an honor for this Queen to meet him.)
Behind the Grand Marshall's convertible was us, the Kinetic Kontingent, on the famous Tofu. The Tofu is Princess Tinkerer Belle's four-man Kinetic craft, decked out for the occasion in red white and blue, rolling behind Hobart's convertible with Wonder Woman at the helm, pedaling with Lady Liberty while a tie-dye clad George Bush and Dick Cheney pedaled from the rear and blew kisses to the crowd. Some people had to think for a minute to decide whether this was in fact offensive, while others laughed and called "hey Cheney, where's your shotgun?"
I was once again riding behind the craft on my crazy Royal Chariot. You remember from the Pride Parade, it's a 16" by 36" platform bolted across two bicycles, towed behind the Tofu. I rode proudly in my Untarnished Liberty getup, dressed like a goofy Kinetic Statue of Liberty in white and gold instead of green. The little girls especially loved me, freaked out over me in fact. I wondered if I resembled some popular cartoon character that I'm too old to know about!
The parade itself was sweet. And by the way, everyone should be in a parade at least once in life, and have that experience of rolling down the street, smiling, with everyone so happy to see you!
Glorious Kinetic Contingent
July 4, 2007 - Photo by Ken Mierzwa
Ferndale's Fourth of July Parade is the classic archetype of the idyllic small town parade straight out of Central Casting, with firetrucks rolling and spectators watching and waving from their porches. It's even followed by a picnic in the park. How much more perfect can it get? We got through it without incident and decided to follow Hobart's ride back to the Gallery.
Glorious Kinetic Contingent
July 4, 2007 - Photo by Ken Mierzwa
At the end of the route, we executed a perfect u-turn. Not easy with the chariot and me behind the craft, I was impressed. Then out of nowhere, lead pilot Tinkerer Belle in her Wonder Woman outfit said to her copilots "come on guys, let's see what this thing can do!"
They pedaled furiously. It felt like about 20, 30 miles per hour, but I am told it was in fact six or so. Soon, the two front tires on my improvised chariot began to wobble furiously. "Guys," I said calmly, "I think we need to slow down a bit." The tires wobbled faster and then they began to spin 360 degrees. "Hey," I called to the hard working pilots, "are they supposed to do that?" Apparently, they weren't, because POP! PING! Time slowed down like a nightmare so I wouldn't miss a thing as a bolt snapped and the bars under me started flying. "Stop," this Queen said calmly. "Stop. Stop. Stop." I was pretty dang cool, considering.
My trusty pilots rolled the Tofu to the smoothest, most careful stop in Kinetic history, and nobody was injured. Of course, the adrenaline hit in earnest a few minutes later and kept me loopy for the next several hours. It was my third brush with mortality in a week.(There was a hot tub incident that I'm not even trying to live down, and a bizarre, near fatal encounter with a fitted sheet before this chariot adventure.) Princess Tinkerer Belle may in fact be plotting to get me.
But if she doesn't, then my next stop is DaVinci Days, the Kinetic Race in Corvallis. May the Glory be with you!
Rutabaga Queen Emma the Em-Chantress cashes checks made out to Emma Breacain and is delighted to be alive and well, feeling slightly invincible and reigning over the Kinetic Kingdom from her heavily fortified Eureka Palace. Are her daredevil days over, or just beginning?
Thank you for reading all the way down here... Please return to Events to read more of Our Queen's Travails!
